the blog archives of blindsyntax.com

her present still sits in my living room, still wrapped. waiting for her to open it. it was the thing she wanted, the most expensive of the choices i had. there are also 2 other little gifts for her, ones i know she would like. ones she didn’t ask for.

what do i ask for? just to spend time with her. the first love i had. the first best friend of the opposite sex, the first person i actually felt at ease with, but yet totaly strung out over. i haven’t seen her for about a month now, and barely get a chance to talk to her.

she wished me a happy new year last night as i sat at home alone, asked if i wanted to go out with her and her friends. i said no. i was in no condition to go out, unshowered, undresses, unshaved. she had plans for today to go out to dinner with a friend. i’ve been trying to hand out with her for almost a month and i get nothing. she asked if i wanted to go. surf and turf. i dont like sea food. i just want to chill with her no others. just chill with her and then maybe others.

do i still have a thing for her, or do i, just have something else. it was asked to me if i could think of kissing her, having sex with her, and i dont know. as a guy i can think about fucking any one i’m attracted to, but with her its different. i wouldn’t just want to fuck her, even though i’m sure it would be a hell of a time. perhaps the lack of physical contact with her makes me think that way. it was that last time we hung out that she kinda gave me a hug. and it wasn’t even a hug it was a hug on the side of me.

perhaps if she knew this, not that she couldn’t know already, but what if she just knew, and perhaps if we just give it a go, we talked about this once before, how we dont want to mess up our friendship, but how can it be messed up if i can’t even talk or see her. it will only turn out in two, maybe 3 ways. one is that we get together and stay together. two is that we get together and it doesn’t work out and we go back to be the same, or 3 we get together things dont work out and its just wierd. and in that case i’ll still have a thing for her or not. i think that we might just need to try it out to see if this is true, and to find out what she is feeling, instead of just getting leaded around.

another long post, where i was just going to say a little thing. perhaps i need something, someone else. its not that i haven’t been trying. but when one isn’t in the mood or things just dont make me fell like doing anything it doesn’t help much.

what ever…

happy new year….

let see what my birthday brings next month…