the blog archives of blindsyntax.com

a repost from april 9th, followed by something new

————————

the thoughts in my head

stem from the loneliness of my bed

confused is the heart

it doesn’t know where to end or start

friends all around

some happiness could be found

it happened once before

and it was sworn never again no more

time went slow and fast

feelings have lingered into the past

someone new

came out of the blue

it was ended with a sigh

a quick two months went by

people came and went

but no effort was needed or spent

then someone new arrived

for so long i’ve been deprived

where will this go

i dont seem to be in the know

the time doesn’t seem right

i’ll just give in and probably loose another fight

these words have been said

from the thoughts in my head

—————————-

well I didn’t give in

I stood up and gave it a shot

I didn’t lose nor did I win

a relationship I didn’t get but a friend I still got

those words in my head

the thoughts that I’ve said

the key to my protection

a missed vote for the election

another experienced gained

another lesson learned

reasons were explained

a new direction turned

happiness comes in many forms

and sometimes you don’t get them in the norms

loneliness also comes and goes

and that’s all right too I suppose

but in the end everything works out

it’s part of life to find what it’s all about

why is it that the older people get the stupider, and more annoying they become. isn’t all that knowledge and experience that they have acquired over the years supposed to account for something? for instance how the fuck do you not know how air flow in a room works? not even knowing what intake and out-take refers to.

this is only part of the hell that i have to deal with every day living with my mother.

please help

Journey

DON’T STOP BELIEVIN’

Just a small town girl, livin’ in a lonely world

She took the midnight train goin’ anywhere

Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit

He took the midnight train goin’ anywhere

A singer in a smokey room

A smell of wine and cheap perfume

For a smile they can share the night

It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard

Their shadows searching in the night

Streetlight people, living just to find emotion

Hiding, somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill,

everybody wants a thrill

Payin’ anything to roll the dice,

just one more time

Some will win, some will lose

Some were born to sing the blues

Oh, the movie never ends

It goes on and on and on and on

(chorus)

Don’t stop believin’

Hold on to the feelin’

Streetlight people”

so it is done

I’ve given her my key

my protection is gone

the package has been sent

all she has to do is open it

with the key she can unlock

my heart and emotions lay inside

afraid of what might happen

with the knowledge that will be gained

will it make things different between us

or will it stay the same

if things go in a different direction

where will that take us

with it make us closer

or make us farther apart

for I am a lonely person

wanting to be with her

to have that protection

given by her

and in return

I’ll give her anything

I’ll give her the space

I’ll give her everything

trust is a hard thing to give

but you have to take a chance

to see what might come of it

what will happen and what won’t

love on the other hand

is so easy to give

but to take it back

is so very hard

I’ll treat you right

do you no wrongs

talk to you about what’s going on

and anything that’s on your mind

I’ve been told I’m not like most guys

and I like to believe that it’s true

but that hasn’t helped me much in the past

and now I hope that it might start to pay off

for I know your needs

and I know you know mine

I won’t be like the others

I’ll be yours, and could you be mine

they say let things happen

but they don’t happen unless something happens

something happens to start or end something else

have it be the first acknowledgment that you like someone

or have it be the “good” bye during a break up when it isn’t good at all

letting things happen works out great in theory

it works out great in the movies and in stories

it even sometimes works out in life

or at least we hope it to

but how do people go about things

in a indirect way to let that thing happen

when you are letting that thing happen between you and another person

they are doing direct things to indirectly make something else happen

it’s a messed up kind of thing

but its the way that life takes you

from hills and valleys

to the highest peeks, and the lowest lows

but in all it is a good thing

even if it seems like a bad thing

when it ends it seems like the worst thing in the world

but after that everything starts anew

it is another chance at something else

another path in the woods a new direction to go in

the past is behind you and you can’t turn around

time pushes you forward towards that something new

and when you move forward

things come to pass you by

take a chance to look around

you never know what might happen if you let it

i’m scared of what will be

afraid of what’s going on with me

alone by my self with out her company

wanting her by my side

with her I wish to confide

together we can be each others guide

the space she wants I’ll give her

and with that I won’t deter

just hoping for a relationship to occur

my hopes wishes and dreams

just a foggy view it seems

hoping this work isn’t in extremes

the lonely breeze enters

this thing called love, who were the inventors

tell me so they can be my mentors

I AM A DORK, I AM A NERD, AND PROUD OF IT!

last night i installed my first upgrade to my computer, hardware wise that is. this is the monster computer that i purchased for back in april ’01. a monster computer that cost $4,248 that is. but it is now just going out of main streem, with its 80 gig hard drive, 512 ram, 64mb DDR NVIDIA GeFource2 ULTRA 4x AGP with DVI Video Card, 17 inch flat screen, dvd rom drive, cd burner drive, 250 internal zip drive, turtle beach santa cruz DSP sound card, altec lansing THX certified ADA885 doulby digital speakers with sub, and a dell digital audio receiver (that i never used)

what did i install might you ask, well a nice big 300 gig hard drive, since i filled up my lil 80 giger some how (i’m thinking too much clip art n such on the computer, that and doom 3). i opened up the case and with my handy can of air, blasted away the tons and tons of dust that had been blocking the intake vent, the 2 out take fans, drive bays, and just everything inside. it looked like one of those haunted houses you seen in the movies with all those spider webs all over the place, well same thing here but this was dust.

so far i’ve moved 10.2 gigs over to the new drive, it seems like an endless void to be filled with what ever i want. now i’m thinking to my self, maybe its time to start downloading “freebies” once again 🙂

some interesting news

it seems changed are the views

things might be going in my direction

should i start to take down my protection

i’m afraid to let her in

to let her see the tenderness of my skin

how easily the outer layer can crack

from a simple word, a most devastating attack

but i want her to know

how special she is like virgin snow

the feelings i feel for her

but in return will she concur

this debate i have within myself

i wish i could find some magical elf

to tell me the answer i seek

or just a slight little peek

i’m just not sure

as i try to find this cure

in these writings i write

during the dark lonely night

why doesn’t the good guy ever win

why doesn’t he ever get the girl

the good guy who never committed a sin

she probably knows that he likes her

she has to know that he likes her

its obvious to every one else

perhaps she likes playing games

perhaps she is the one that likes to be the winner

forget the good guy, the prize goes to the one who is the sinner

he tries to forget about her

he tries not to have those feelings

its just like what keeps you alive, you just can’t stop breathing

the smell of the air reminds me the time kat and i went to boston on a whim stayed up all night walking all over the town, messing with the late night djs at radio stations, taking random pictures with the “digi cam”, adopting a plastic child left on the street, watching the sun not come up do to crazy fog in the park, going to dunkin’ donuts at seeing cops, and the ride back home in the late morning…

ah memories…

wow 3 hits on tuesday and nothing since… but one of them was from the far reaches of the interweb as it once was known…

… remember this?

why is it that when ever i have a day off, the night before i dont have anything to do, there for i end up going to bed a bit earlier then i would normally and not as tiered as i should be. and what is the result from that, be waking up at the ass crack of the morning wide awake. wtf!!!! so now like my day is shot cause i’m going to be out of it for the rest of the day when i try to get back to sleep like later on in the day… grr…

in other news happy happy, i talked to kat last night 🙂

1.Who is most beautiful person you know on the inside and out?

– hmm not sure about that one

2. If you could date anyone in the world, who would it be?

– my perfect match

3. How many times during the day do you think about sex?

– when don’t i think about it?

4. Which relationship appeals to you more, a wild passionate one, or a quiet calm one?

– hmm only quiet after the passion is over…well for the 5 min before we start up again.

5. What is off limits for you in the bedroom?

– in the bedroom, or how about any where else should be the question… i dunno farm animals, and i have an exit only sign posted

6. What is your favorite thing to do in the bedroom?

– sex, get a way from people, play on the computer, listen to music

7. Do you flip out easily?

– not usually

8. Would you rather your partner be a tad overweight or a tad underweight?

– define a tad?… i’d say underweight, cause more fun can be had… but on the other hand overweight, more fun can be had to try to work that off 🙂

9. Miller lite or Coors lite if you had to choose?

– miller

10. Do you still have feelings for your ex?

– not of her but the thing about being in a relation ship… and she was a nice piece of ass..

11. If you could kill anyone right now, who would you choose?

– hold on let me get my list… i think i left it at work..

12. What color of hair most appeals to you on the opposite sex?

– red, black, and the others

13. Ever filmed you and a partner having sex?

– yup.. .her idea

14. What is the best T.V. show of all time!

– oh man… most of them are on cartoon network

15. If you could marry anyone in the world who would it be and why?

– that person from question number 2 and there for the answer from number 1

16. If you had to choose, would you rather die from drowning, or burning?

– hmm i guess i could go the anikin way

17. What one person from your past would you like to talk to?

– my self just before highschool to let me know what the deal is.

18. Do you own a sex toy?

– a toy.. hahahahah

19. What do you think of George W. Bush?

– what do i think of you for asking me this?

20. If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would it be and why?

– out with question number 1, 2 and 15

21. If you had to travel for 21 days and could only bring 5 things, what would you bring?

– number 20’s answers, my cell phone, and can’t think of anything that i wouldn’t be able to just get where ever i’m going

22. What’s your favorite trait of the opposite sex?

– laugh, and smile, eyes, butt, tits, legs

23. Do you like to give or receive oral sex?

– give

24. Who’s your favorite actor?

– me when i’m working

25. Who’s your favorite actress?

– anyone who’s good

26. Favorite candy bar?

– Snickers – word

27. Favorite sex position?

– Doggy style – word again… but any will do

28. Favorite soda?

– cherry coke

29. Is OJ guilty?

– only if there is too much pulp

30. Have you ever had sex with a friend from myspace?

– … i have

i’m fucking sick of this.

what might that be you ask? well my mother.

i’m sick of her trying to fucking guilt trip me into making me feel bad when i actually go out and do something with my friends. case in point. the last 2 days, friday night and saturday. earier in the week i had told her that i’m going out to dinner with my friend mel who i actually haven’t hung out with in a very long time. a very nice change of pace then going out with my mother let me tell you… anyway i didn’t know what time she was going to call me, but it was going to be after i got home for work, so to shorten this story, mother was like what she didn’t call, after she went out (to do what ever the fuck that was) and saw me sitting at the kittchen table watching tv,i’m like no she called and she is going to call me back after she is getting ready. mother didn’t seem to happy about that but she kept that to her self.. somewhat.. then as i’m leavnig to go out she’s like where are you 2 going to eat, i said tea pot and responce was if your not doing anything afterwords bring me home something… now the translation for that is i’m not going to tell you what i want or ask you anything specific like that, i’m just going to nibble on some yogurt or something and sit my ass where i always do on the computer in the aol jewish singles/western mass chat rooms and wait to see if you bring me home anything.

so i brought her home 1/2 of this huge thing of food that i had got for my self. and she wasn’t able to have it then cause it wasn’t cooked enough for her.. so i put it in the frig and i’m assuming with the soy sauce on the kitchen table yesterday that she had it for dinner last night.

on to last night, i called her up like 2 hours before i was to leave work telling her that i’m going out after work with jen, and then she was like ok.. ending the conversation so i’m like ok. and hung up the phone. went out with jen to dinner then a walk around northampton, had a great time (thanks again) and then came home. mom was still up and sitting at her computer asked where i went n stuff, and a not so happy “thats nice” was her reply…my responce was nothing and walked away.

so today i had a nice lil 7am shift on a sunday morning to do the floor set at work . mother and i had made no plans at to do something. i came home at 4:30, she asked me how was work, i said busy and i’m very sleepy, went into my room changed and was laying down on the bed with the fan on me cause it was very warm today and i was beat. she knocks on my door, opens it asked what i have planed, said i dont know i wanna get some rest, and she gets all pissed off about not going out to eat and stuff.

so in short, excuse me for going out with friends and having a live, and not being some loser who hangs out with his mom all the time and constantly goes out to dinner with her, cause apparently with have nothing to cook with, even if the kitchen is filled with cooking things…

there i’m done venting

i was going to write tonight how i haven’t heard from my friend kat, as i mentioned the other day. how the last time we hung out (maybe 2 months ago?) she gave me this photo of the 2 of us that we took together in a photobooth up in northampton. i asked her why is she giving me this, she said the had a copy and i took it at that.

so the past couple of days there has been a thought that has been floating around in my head… the thought of what if that was some sort of good bye from her to me, something to remember her by, something to remember us by. and that was what i was going to talk about tonight, but i have something brighter then that to talk about.

i sent her a message on myspace, since i noticed that she was on it the other day. and i sent her somewhat of a sad message asking where she had gone. and tonight i thought i’d check myspace if she had been on it as of late. and in fact i had a message from her, saying she is around but very antisocial. so i wrote back giving her a brief rundown of what i’ve just said here. and what crazy thoughts i start thinking of when i dont hear from her.

so yeah a happy ending to an other wise sad post. 🙂

and a side note, i’ve had dreams before about being in a romantic situation with someone but never actually completing, such as a kiss or the alike. but a dream the other night we kissed. but the thing about it was that it was more like a real life type of thing, not a dream. i’ve had what some could say were visions of things that have happened before they happen, but i never know when or how and such till it is happening or just after it happened that i’ll be able to say whats next, or remember when i first knew of this… anyway, its what the person said just before we she kissed me that makes it a bit odd, cause its something she would say before she would kiss me, and not something that my mind would have made up. i kind of hope that it was only a dream, because i dont know how i’d sort things out if it were to become true… things would change, things that i once hoped for, and things i also once feared…