the blog archives of blindsyntax.com

i’m sorry i’m not writing as much. my life really sucks right now. i feel like i’m losing my grip on reality. i feel like i’m losing all of my friends; the worst part is i apparently don’t know who my “real friends” are. i don’t even know if i have any ‘real friends’.

my grades are going down the drain and i want to prevent that, but i’m losing the will to do that.

it’s like the levi’s commercial. i’m standing in the middle of the road and everything is rushing by me. except instead of the stream rushing towards me, it’s going by. it’s leaving me behind by myself. it doesn’t care if i disintegrate into nothing. i want to say something. then i work up the courage. then it escapes from my mouth before the words do. that or my mouth fire with intensity and the flowing rush of people speed up, trying to get away from me.

i swear i want to go back to my old school so bad. this would never be the case in public school. i would be mega-popular like i was in freshman year there. if i ever felt that i wasn’t fitting in or being totally ignored or excluded, i would simply go to another group of friends and hang with them. it was no big deal. but then you go to fucking boarding school where there’s only 360 people and you don’t have that liberty anymore. everyone there’s a fucking drama queen. you never see drama queens in public school. they get beat up and spit on; they drop the act and drop it quick. no one likes a drama queen. and since i’m not one, i get excluded. yeah like i want to complain about every single fucking thing in the god damn world. i complain about bush and his fleet of republicans and when the Yankees are losing during baseball season. i don’t make a big show of myself; i never needed to. people killed to be my friend in public school. granted out of all the friends i had, few were actual “real friends”, they were still friends. there was still someone there. who do i go to when i’m having a personal crisis? certainly not the drama queens. then they’ll start talking about themselves and how they had a similar conflict. DID I FUCKING ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE???? i’m not a fucking idiot!! i ask them to listen, they think i’m vulnerable and bust out of their drama queen act.

sometimes i wish they went to public school. just a few days even. they’d either get their asses kicked for trying to act smart or they’d be so excluded from the masses that they would self-implode from attention deprivation. that would be wonderful.

well, with that said. excuse me while i kill myself.

today on my lunch break, an asain girl came into the store, and asked they other manager that was working, were i was. she was in the store ealier that day, and i said hi to her. i’ve helped her out before, n stuff shopping, but i wonder what she wanted today….

oh oh oh, i do hope i have a stalker that would sooo rock! 🙂