blog.blindsyntax.com

So… I wish i could just think it what i want to type out and it goes in the blog. having to type something out seems to be a disconnection of what i am thinking and that somehow it wouldn’t be to the full effect of what i’m thinking/feeling, but here it goes.

… I was told tonight:

– “So its ok if i call at 5 in the morning?”
– “I thought you were staying over at her place?”
– “Yeah but you, know how things might get..”
– “Yeah but you dont think you’ll be able to say there at that time?”
– “I dunno, you know how things turn out with her, and besides Seth, you’re my only friend that i could count on”
– “Aw come on that can’t be true”
– “Yeah, it is”

– “Hey, ya know, that if i was half way single…”
– “Yeah…we’ll I do have that rain check remember”

why is it that i’m told this when ever any girl that i have had an interest in / crush on after they are in a relationship?!? what the fuck? is it that they finally see my potential when compared to who they are currently going out with? why can’t they see this when they are single? why do they have to tell me this? It just puts me into this automatic funk that makes me depressed, annoyed, pissed off, sad, frustrated, alone, lonely, and wishing for something that i could have had!!! grrr!

ten days untill my 30th birthday, this is not how i wanna feel, but it is how i always felt, i’ve always been alone: (not in a relationship) for any holiday so why would this one be different right?… but i want them to start being different i’m sick of being single, i want to have someone to talk to, to have them talk to me, to share what life has to offer, and i’m not even talking about marriage, just a relationship with someone that i could call mine, but if you were to ask me, i’d say i’m hers, cause i would be that lucky guy, that says that i’m not deserving of her, but i’m thankful that she accepted me.

and as for as kat goes the one who i fell in love with so many years ago, that i’m not anymore, but my heart still flutters when i’m around her, has been not MIA but out of contact for over a month now. and i’m over playing those games, even though i do miss her so… does someone ever stop loving someone once they fell in love with them? that is of course excluding any “deal breaking things”… if funny how she just pops into my life randomly but yet at the right time to mess with my feelings… but perhaps that could be at any time… right?

But what ever i’m done with playing those games. with age comes knowledge from the experiences one has. people shouldn’t keep their feelings hidden about someone else, but yet they do for fear of getting hurt, rejected or something else. but what if your take on things was wrong? what if, just maybe they might be thinking the same thing as you are? thats what i’m going to try to do from now on, that could be my new years resolution, my new decade of life resolution…