blog.blindsyntax.com

So… I wish i could just think it what i want to type out and it goes in the blog. having to type something out seems to be a disconnection of what i am thinking and that somehow it wouldn’t be to the full effect of what i’m thinking/feeling, but here it goes.

… I was told tonight:

– “So its ok if i call at 5 in the morning?”
– “I thought you were staying over at her place?”
– “Yeah but you, know how things might get..”
– “Yeah but you dont think you’ll be able to say there at that time?”
– “I dunno, you know how things turn out with her, and besides Seth, you’re my only friend that i could count on”
– “Aw come on that can’t be true”
– “Yeah, it is”

– “Hey, ya know, that if i was half way single…”
– “Yeah…we’ll I do have that rain check remember”

why is it that i’m told this when ever any girl that i have had an interest in / crush on after they are in a relationship?!? what the fuck? is it that they finally see my potential when compared to who they are currently going out with? why can’t they see this when they are single? why do they have to tell me this? It just puts me into this automatic funk that makes me depressed, annoyed, pissed off, sad, frustrated, alone, lonely, and wishing for something that i could have had!!! grrr!

ten days untill my 30th birthday, this is not how i wanna feel, but it is how i always felt, i’ve always been alone: (not in a relationship) for any holiday so why would this one be different right?… but i want them to start being different i’m sick of being single, i want to have someone to talk to, to have them talk to me, to share what life has to offer, and i’m not even talking about marriage, just a relationship with someone that i could call mine, but if you were to ask me, i’d say i’m hers, cause i would be that lucky guy, that says that i’m not deserving of her, but i’m thankful that she accepted me.

and as for as kat goes the one who i fell in love with so many years ago, that i’m not anymore, but my heart still flutters when i’m around her, has been not MIA but out of contact for over a month now. and i’m over playing those games, even though i do miss her so… does someone ever stop loving someone once they fell in love with them? that is of course excluding any “deal breaking things”… if funny how she just pops into my life randomly but yet at the right time to mess with my feelings… but perhaps that could be at any time… right?

But what ever i’m done with playing those games. with age comes knowledge from the experiences one has. people shouldn’t keep their feelings hidden about someone else, but yet they do for fear of getting hurt, rejected or something else. but what if your take on things was wrong? what if, just maybe they might be thinking the same thing as you are? thats what i’m going to try to do from now on, that could be my new years resolution, my new decade of life resolution…

So its a new year. a little bit into it at that. there hasn’t been much going on for me to write about. all i’ve been doing has working for the month of december. and when i wasn’t working, i was sleeping or catching up on some old anime n such.

today as i was walking around some stores and looking at what they had, and the people shopping in side of them i was thinking to my self that it would be nice to have a auto blog type thing. that is to say i could blog what i was thinking at that time. maybe its too much ghost in the shell that i’ve watched over the last month, but when i see three fat college age girls looking at what type of ice cream they should get, and debating over how much they could eat per portions on what would be the best bang for the buck. i just shake my head at that wish i took a pic of them standing in front of the freezers. and that could bring me to the auto blog of pics from what i see… i have to get on top of those optical implants…

so things happen for a reason right? well thats why i tell my self. and not some type of divine reasoning, just from cause and effect. and there should be some type of purpose in the end, all be it the strings of fate pulling you in one direction or the other.

i wonder what would be a life with out regrets,
what it would be without feer of what would happen,
lets lay the cards out on the table,
ask those questions,
say those words,
lets see what happens
lets see,
i guess we will.

…save the night, and fight the rising sun…
yeah i had those nights
tonight wasn’t one of them
haven’t had one of those in a while
she’s been missing
will there be another
will it be her
…. come tomorrow….

I wonder if people go out to the bars to drink so they don’t have to drink at home by them selfs. Since if you are at the bar by you self you arn’t “by you self”. You have the bar tender and the other patrons there as well to drink with.

But from what I’ve seen over the years is that the people who are drinking by them selfs, don’t usualy want to have interaction with anyone. They just want to be there and drink. Probably because its better then being at home by your self, and it gives some justification to be drinking by your self if your surrounded by other people.

Just some thoughts I had as I’m sitting at the bar by my self. But I know the bartender, the door guy, and other people as well since I’m a regular but a regular that came with friends and not by my self.

Setting up my blog archives i found something i wrote:

The Single Slumber

16 Oct 2005 @ 8:39 AM

lonely in my bed

the blankets are the one i hold

she’s missing from my side

the single slumber

So true last night, but “she” wasn’t necessarily any one in particular this time.

a brief history of importing happenings by date
June:
4-7 Aarons & Crystal’s wedding!
August:
11 got into a car accident zoom zoom got banged up 🙁
17 hung out with Kat after far too long of a time
21, 24, 27 looking at apts
27 put money down on my apt
27 the start of odd bullshit out of nowhere
28 Scots wedding
September:
2nd get my keys for the apt
7th move my bed into the apt to sleep over for the crazy work sched ahead of me
8th mall maina did shit for money but was at the store till 3:30 am to make it look nice for my visit by my rm and dm
9th back in the store at 7am, and then around 1pm out of left field bullshit interrogation for 2 hours
11th i quit aero

nice huh?

there are many selfs that make up the whole, if one is true to those selfs then they are pure hearted

Tonight i heard the first thunder boom that i’ve heard this year and saw the clouds and the night sky light up from lightening. it makes me happy for some reason i dont know why. just like i’m happy when its raining hard, very hard, the type i can hear on the room and hitting the windows. perhaps its the rejuvenation of things, how the earth works, recycleing energies and types of mater

Well hello there again and perhaps for the first time.

This is the fourth installment of my blog, at least in the blindsyntax sense, and i promise to update this on a regular basis this time, honest.

So in the past couple of days i’ve reinstated my .com, a new server, compiled all the old blogs into archives, played with blogger code and thinking about the design for the main .com. This is where i get into trouble, and why i think i stoped shied away from the blog in the first place. after a while i’ll get sick of the site and want to redo it, but there are so many different ideas in my head its kinda hard to pin them all down into something i like, and when i do there are about oh perhaps 3-5 different versions (similar or compleatly different) that i want to do, and then i just crap out.

with the prev versions of the blog (content saved but everything else lost) i had one idean and ran with it. this time i’m not sure so thats why i just have a coming soon page up for the .com its also why i put the blog in a area for its self. that and i can make subdomains so damn easy now.

so now im wondering what i want to use the .com for. my art? i dunno. it might just be easy to upload all that stuff to facebook. time will tell.