blog.blindsyntax.com

I sorry, I lied
That other day talking in the kitchen
You said you couldn’t imagine making out with me
I said that I couldn’t as well

I’m sorry, that I asked a direct question
The question if we will ever be more then friends
Its a question that needed a definite answer
An answer that I all ready knew

Maybe I blocked my mind from thinking
Thinking about making out with you
Caressing the side of your face with my hand
The other on the back of your head
Fingers between those beautiful curls
Softly bringing our lips together
Softly kissing
Softly biting your lower lip

You said you like hanging out with me
When ever you ask me if I wanna hang
I told you that my answer will always be yes
How could I ever say no
You were
You are
My first love

I hate that I still love her.
I hate the way I feel.
I hate how I know she doesn’t feel the same.
I hate how that feels.
I hate how I still love her.
I hate all those little things about her.
I hate how happy I get when she invites me to hang out.
I hate how lonely I am after I leave.
I hate how that feels.
I hate that I still love her.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Last night got back to Kat’s she passed out sprawled out on the bed covered in pillows and covers. I didn’t want to intrude or did not know I would be welcomed so I slept on the floor. When she first got up she said that was ridiculous and to get into bed I couldn’t fall pack to sleep but did rest, she was still drunk, and was too warm so she was on top of the covers looking beautiful with her long curls, cami and panties. I was under the covers her, she was on her side her leg on top of mine, me listening to her breathing as I was when I was on the floor, but now as I’m back in my own bed alone with my fan on as I always do to sleep I am feeling very lonely in my bed without someone next to me.

I also asked her if she thought that one day we could be more then we are now and paraphrasing what she said, that she couldn’t see her self making out with me, and after a quick thought I agreed with her saying that I couldn’t see it as well, so I guess my first love is over or at least has been starting to be over since the last year but fully confirmed last night/today, I’m not sadden by this just that I would like to just finally have someone in my life, its been too long and frankly I don’t feel like I could count Kelly as a real relationship although it was a good practice or a lesson learned I’d say.

So now ill go to sleep alone in my bed, wondering if she’ll come out sat night if she’ll stay the night and what that might entail, I know that it wouldn’t entail anything on my part to make the first move with her.

So… I wish i could just think it what i want to type out and it goes in the blog. having to type something out seems to be a disconnection of what i am thinking and that somehow it wouldn’t be to the full effect of what i’m thinking/feeling, but here it goes.

… I was told tonight:

– “So its ok if i call at 5 in the morning?”
– “I thought you were staying over at her place?”
– “Yeah but you, know how things might get..”
– “Yeah but you dont think you’ll be able to say there at that time?”
– “I dunno, you know how things turn out with her, and besides Seth, you’re my only friend that i could count on”
– “Aw come on that can’t be true”
– “Yeah, it is”

– “Hey, ya know, that if i was half way single…”
– “Yeah…we’ll I do have that rain check remember”

why is it that i’m told this when ever any girl that i have had an interest in / crush on after they are in a relationship?!? what the fuck? is it that they finally see my potential when compared to who they are currently going out with? why can’t they see this when they are single? why do they have to tell me this? It just puts me into this automatic funk that makes me depressed, annoyed, pissed off, sad, frustrated, alone, lonely, and wishing for something that i could have had!!! grrr!

ten days untill my 30th birthday, this is not how i wanna feel, but it is how i always felt, i’ve always been alone: (not in a relationship) for any holiday so why would this one be different right?… but i want them to start being different i’m sick of being single, i want to have someone to talk to, to have them talk to me, to share what life has to offer, and i’m not even talking about marriage, just a relationship with someone that i could call mine, but if you were to ask me, i’d say i’m hers, cause i would be that lucky guy, that says that i’m not deserving of her, but i’m thankful that she accepted me.

and as for as kat goes the one who i fell in love with so many years ago, that i’m not anymore, but my heart still flutters when i’m around her, has been not MIA but out of contact for over a month now. and i’m over playing those games, even though i do miss her so… does someone ever stop loving someone once they fell in love with them? that is of course excluding any “deal breaking things”… if funny how she just pops into my life randomly but yet at the right time to mess with my feelings… but perhaps that could be at any time… right?

But what ever i’m done with playing those games. with age comes knowledge from the experiences one has. people shouldn’t keep their feelings hidden about someone else, but yet they do for fear of getting hurt, rejected or something else. but what if your take on things was wrong? what if, just maybe they might be thinking the same thing as you are? thats what i’m going to try to do from now on, that could be my new years resolution, my new decade of life resolution…

So its a new year. a little bit into it at that. there hasn’t been much going on for me to write about. all i’ve been doing has working for the month of december. and when i wasn’t working, i was sleeping or catching up on some old anime n such.

today as i was walking around some stores and looking at what they had, and the people shopping in side of them i was thinking to my self that it would be nice to have a auto blog type thing. that is to say i could blog what i was thinking at that time. maybe its too much ghost in the shell that i’ve watched over the last month, but when i see three fat college age girls looking at what type of ice cream they should get, and debating over how much they could eat per portions on what would be the best bang for the buck. i just shake my head at that wish i took a pic of them standing in front of the freezers. and that could bring me to the auto blog of pics from what i see… i have to get on top of those optical implants…

so things happen for a reason right? well thats why i tell my self. and not some type of divine reasoning, just from cause and effect. and there should be some type of purpose in the end, all be it the strings of fate pulling you in one direction or the other.

i wonder what would be a life with out regrets,
what it would be without feer of what would happen,
lets lay the cards out on the table,
ask those questions,
say those words,
lets see what happens
lets see,
i guess we will.

I want to be next
I want to be the one
I want to be her’s

…save the night, and fight the rising sun…
yeah i had those nights
tonight wasn’t one of them
haven’t had one of those in a while
she’s been missing
will there be another
will it be her
…. come tomorrow….

Looks like I’m going to have to start up my professional .com soon since ill have cards for the dj biz soon.

Also I have a little work to do for the banquet facility as well over the next two days.

the feelings of love
have returned again
why

the feeling of loneliness
returns as well
i know why

but this time is different
this time i have changed
this time i am out of my shell
this time…

what will happen this time

“Dreamt many starry escapes
Let’s vanish up in orbit”
– Kat